On Letting Go
On Letting Go…
Tomorrow I send my youngest son off to tour with Circus Smirkus for the summer. In one week, my older son graduates from high school, and though he doesn’t actually leave for college until August, I am keenly aware that this is only weeks away. I’m feeling sad about both of them being gone.
This is what “letting go” looks like from where I stand: letting go not only of these beautiful young men so that they can go out there and continue their growth on their own, but also letting go of the fear: did I do a good enough job as a parent? Should I be doing more? Less? Where were my missteps and is it too late to reverse them? And then, there is this: exactly 2 years ago today I was diagnosed with a brain tumor and 6 weeks later, flew to LA for brain surgery that was successful, but took most of my hearing in one ear, and necessitated the removal of my balance nerve on that side. I am so lucky, knew it then and know it now, so much so that it took me a very long time to fully grieve my losses.
Balance is no longer something I can take for granted, the world is always slightly askew as I make my way through it. I experience a disequilibrium that is impossible to fully explain to anyone, and that can be a lonely experience. To move forward I have to let go of who I was before the surgery, and accept who I am now. And then there are the myriad physical surprises as I approach 50 that, in my arrogance, I thought I’d bypass altogether. My complaints are minor compared with the serious suffering that I see all around me. Nonetheless, letting go of my sense of myself as a young person, that’s really hard. Letting go of teaching a level 2 class is humbling and in the wee hours, feels like failure. But, I think it is important to teach what you practice, and vice versa, and I find now that a full throttle practice leaves me more depleted and hurting, than renewed, and so I let go, for now, of the level 2 and dial it back, just a notch, and hand the level 2 reins to younger, skilled instructors.
We all have to let go of something, somewhere along the way. We let go of your children when they are ready to step out into the world on their own, and turn toward friends, spouse, your own self. The beauty of yoga is that it changes as you do….you can let go of what does not serve you, and turn toward what does. Miraculously, when you do loosen your grip, your hands are free to reach toward whatever is next.