Magic and Dying
“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.”
― WB Yeats
A week ago, a dear friend from college died of cancer, out in San Francisco. Her last month on this earth was full of agony but also tremendous love, given and received, and tremendous awareness of life’s magic. Friends and family waited with her, for death to take her body. On the other side of the country, I waited to hear news. I tried to listen to my own thoughts and memories, to clear space in my head and heart for her to take up residence there.
At the same time, I have felt myself waiting for spring. Not always patiently. And, the day after Amie died—on a long car ride up to Quebec City for my son’s audition—I anxiously checked emails, waiting for news about her funeral. When I learned it was in two days—in keeping with Jewish tradition—I stayed up late into the night, awaiting my own clarity, as I struggled with how to get to Chicago by Tuesday for the service. Waiting, waiting….my whole being felt both sluggish and taut with the sensation of waiting, and, preoccupied, I bent down to pick up a towel the next morning and felt a searing pain in my lower back. So, now I wait to heal. I was unable to go to the funeral. Unable to do much of anything but wait, if the truth be known. So, I’ve of necessity given myself to the experience of waiting, investigating what that means, as I let myself feel sorrow for Amie, acknowledgement of physical pain, and the humility of not being able to hasten the process of either by “doing” anything.
And I quietly reflect on the world’s “magic things” which are waiting, too, for me to wake up to their presence. Injury and loss both have something to teach me, of that I am sure, so I keep my ears open, my heart accepting, and wait.
I will be away from teaching until I am certain I am in the clear, but how lucky we all are! The teaching staff at UVY is second to none. There are numerous and wonderful workshops coming up. And we have the best, most dedicated and most experienced teachers in the Upper Valley. I leave you in their capable hands while I heal, and wait, and look forward to, the time I am able to return to teaching.