Pandemica—Lessons Learned
What happened?
What in the world happened.
This is how my mind has been spinning for the last few days. I've been trying to unpack it a bit....
On March 13 I basically took a deep breath and jumped in with 2 feet, shifting all our classes to an online platform, gathering together the teachers who were willing to make the shift with me. I didn't give myself time to think too much about it, I just learned how, got the help I needed, and did it. I didn't have time for the vain fretting to which I am prone, of disliking my own image onscreen, of hyper self-critical tendencies. There wasn't time. I got over it. I didn't, couldn't, think ahead to how long this could go on. I was in motion and planning anything beyond a few days out was not going to help me pay rent on the space in WRJ.
Somewhere in there, I launched a new website and a new logo. (Thank you, Miriah!). Somewhere in there, I began to build a library of recorded classes.
Now here we are. More than 3 months in. I have lifted my head and looked around and feel sort of....stunned.
There's less adrenaline coursing through my system (and mostly, less caffeine). I still wake up and get up every morning between 4:30 and 5 (I am now and have been my whole adult life, a lousy sleeper) though class attendance tanked in recent weeks, things are otherwise running pretty smoothly, and I've secured a loan to help me weather the dry spells.
For about a minute I contemplated opening the studio doors again with very small classes and social distancing. Only one person signed up for that first in-person class—a clear indication that our community is not ready. This is maybe especially true now, as we've seen businesses rush to reopen elsewhere in the country and a resulting surge in COVID 19 cases. I was frankly a little relieved not to be reopening. I can take that one off the shelf for now.
Being a perfectionist doesn't mean being perfect, it means feeling that, to do anything, it must be a perfect something or I am worthless and a total failure. And since perfection is pretty much impossible...well, you get the gist. That was me, pre-pandemic. I've SO gotten over that one. Truly, for the first time, I'm someone who says, "we can probably sort of do that" and then adapts to the situation and makes the best of it with what I've got. But somewhere in the last several days, I stopped running on can-do fumes and felt myself slipping into depression and an odd pervasive disbelief at the world we are now living in. Have you felt that too? I don't feel it all the time, but I have more time to pause now, and when I do pause and look around, I sometimes can't summon the energy to unpause. Practicing yoga and meditation, teaching yoga, running, hiking.....in this I am functioning on all 4 cylinders. But when I stop, sometimes an anvil falls on my head.
More than anything, I'm puzzled. I've been fine. Why now? I've functioned and adapted and (fingers crossed) saved my business. Why now am I prone to feeling crushed, stunned and sad?
I know it will pass.
And forgive me if this is tmi. I share because maybe it will help someone else. We are all struggling in some way. If you are struggling with depression in this strange reality we are living in, you are not alone. I'm right there with you, trying to dodge the anvil, but when I can't, letting myself drop into it a bit, even befriend it a bit, knowing it will lift eventually.
Hang in there—I'll do the same.
Love,
Leslie
